The Adventures of Furious Vagina and Her Dating App | HuffPost Entertainment

Let me make it clear a tale of a detailed pal of mine named furious Vagina. One sexually annoyed time, she chooses to join a mobile dating software against the woman better wisdom. Dared to participate by a manhood Custodian pal of hers (technically perhaps not bangable because of "nobody's screwing company") she is struggling to withstand the task and so starts herself generally and blissfully to your options.

Hence we begin the story in the legendary furious V as she downloads the software onto Rose-Goldie the iphone 3gs, putting her 6 best images including a star headlining image as included below.

Offered small space to articulate her greatness, she actually is next compelled to condense her impressive biography into many boner-inducing traces and finishes her profile perfectly. And almost like miracle, mushroom-head owners ready for examination instantly appear on her feed.

Per online dating application regulations, Angry Vagina must swipe remaining if a specimen can make her dried out as some sandpaper or perhaps disgusts the girl. On the other hand she must swipe appropriate if she desires to fool around with this new shaft in question.

Below we have the advantage of observing her stream of consciousness as she sifts through influx of moping scarecrows together with her new iphone 4.

Would I bang that man? No. (Swipes left)
Would I bang that man? No. (Swipes left)
Would I bang that man? No. (Swipes left)

Would I bang that guy? Maybe. Umm.

Remembering the significant fairy reports of her young people, Angry Vagina suddenly feels accountable to be very superficial and lends much more soul to her "swipage" as she continues the woman search for Prince Charming.

Behold! myself is completely new princess nameth "Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty". I hath talked.

(Angry V therefore reinvents the mythic online dating narrative, but this time during the design of Rapunzel . Equipped with boner as opposed to sword, Prince slays poverty dragon so that you can get expensive new iphone. He now climbs enchanted line of cyber pubic locks, ascends dating-app tower. At climax of tower, mad V shoves him off dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong vocals . . .)

Quick man near small puppy. Pretends becoming high. (Swipes kept)

Cycle man really loves spandex. Golf balls maybe not large enough. Kindly mount bike as opposed to woman. (Swipes remaining)

Wealth placed in profile. Congratulations! Get thyself rubberized snatch. (Swipes remaining)

Too-young. Like kid. Premature spooge likely. (Swipes left.)

Precisely why therefore bald constantly? (Swipes kept)

"Entrepreneur". No unemployed men permitted. (Swipes kept)

Cat hater?! (Swipes left, punches phone in face, inserts profile pic of one-true-love "Kitteh".)

(ongoing as though addicted.)

Computer software professional acting is interesting rockstar. ::Cackles:: (Swipes kept)

Cool abs. Stay away from butterface during bang sesh? Meh. (Swipes kept)

A lot of beard. Face forest outcompete old development woodland of mad Vagina. (Swipes left)

Gym selfies only? How 'bout knob pushups. (Swipes remaining)

Oooooh! Someone is actually hat enthusiast. Ought to be covering bald spot. (Swipes kept)

Your home is WHEREIN? Or is that where you park your car . . . (Swipes remaining)

Wow you love recreations? Interesting. Among kind. For you personally to erase matchmaking application and obtain married.
(Swipes kept)

You love to SEXT? In which is actually middle finger emoji . . .
(Swipes remaining)

Demonstrates themselves in photograph alongside hotter man. Dumbass. (Swipes left)

Claims to be bold but is your own instructor. (Swipes kept)

Young ones? Lady boner dead. (Swipes remaining)

Listed as "director" on profile. Of exactly what? Furious Vagina's irritability? (Swipes kept)

No profile details. Hail to a single picture of acne-prone epidermis. Allow me to go ahead and throw feet available for you now. (Swipes left)

Happy vegan with picture of real time cucumber. Penis likely shriveled and starving for necessary protein. I'll simply take Mr. Cucumber. (Swipes remaining)

Whaaaat. Today they can be giving myself women. Swiping left too fast? (Swipes left a lot more slowly)

(Angry Vagina takes break to get hold of companion "Nongay partner" for sentimental words via text.)

"Nongay partner, Im top the picked people (otherwise referred to as Kitteh) through wasteland like Moses. Looking to get drinking water or Penis Custodian. I do maybe not know if i shall survive. Please send help."

(Waits for reply and goes on quest.)

Oh no! Swiped right accidentally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Not allowed? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unattractive guy believes he or she is enjoyed. Fuuuuuck.

(brand-new motivation.) Left-swipage is gradually eliminating heart. Must turn to self-swipage for treating . . . (Angry Vagina takes impromptu break. Wasn't prepared go back to knob wasteland in any event.)

(Short while later on, straight back on telephone app like lab pet.)

Trump promoter. Variety of attractive. Can't. Permit. Him. Reproduce! (Swipes remaining)

Nipples pointier than my own. (Swipes kept)

Chief Executive Officer of some thing? What number of unemployed guys exist? (Swipes left)

Yes! Long-hair good. Lady-boner claims hi.
(Swipes right)

Locks too-long. Homeless guy. (Swipes kept)

Scholar. Poverty dangerous to ladyboner. . . must swipe before too late . . .
(Swipes left)

Looks 8 several months expecting with Budweiser. (Swipes left)

Cluster shot with females! Attempting to encourage myself they like you. (Swipes remaining)

Self-employed hot guy. Cannot bang you in parents' basement. (Swipes remaining)

Quite a few sharp teeth. May additionally have pointy penis. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.
(Swipes left)

Confident each pic on your own profile is various guy. Resentful Vagina is actually perplexed. (Swipes kept)

Crazy smiley face. Looks as well pleased. Most likely serial killer. (Swipes left)

Hot man great human body. Mundane character and task. Swipe left, furious V, swipe l . . . (Swipes correct)

Over 40 never married. Depressed selfish man. 50-50 if great in sack. Meh. (Swipes left)

Thank you so much for discussing level. I'm sure every thing i have to know. Bless you. (Swipes remaining)

Oh no! Phone perishing! Must swipe remaining! Should. Reject. Much More. Mushroom-head-

And simply like that, Angry Vagina has got to call it quits throughout the day until a cell phone charger are located. Just for now.

Theoretically, the forced recovery time allows brand new shaft prospects the chance to swipe right on her profile now, showing their particular delusional wish of banging the girl. A lot of won't make a difference. But when her very own selected "right-swipes" return the benefit, otherwise known as the "mutual match", the plot thickens.

Persistence, Furious V, Persistence.

Are continued . . .